Whew! Dr. Bates gave me a bit of a scare today. I went in for my CD3 bloodwork and scans, and everything seemed normal until he looked at my right ovary and found a 17mm cyst.
Now, anyone who has been through IF knows that cysts are bad. Those pesky little things have the ability to make you sit on the sidelines waiting for them to go away. He warned me that if my bloodwork came back showing the cyst was producing hormones, that on the pill I'd go until it went away. I was panicked - I've come this far and now I might have to sit a month (or more) out?!?!
Well, this afternoon, my nurse called and said my bloodwork was just fine and Dr. Bates thinks the cyst is just from where I ovulated before and it should resolve itself, so I was given the go ahead to start my Femara again, and have an appointment to check what I hope will be a few BIG BEAUTIFUL follicles next Friday.
Keep all your fingers and toes crossed!!!!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Held a baby today.....
I held a baby today. It was WONDERFUL. I think I actually might have heard the angels singing in the background. Ok, maybe that's going a little too far....
I'd been avoiding it, but his mother came up to me at church today and asked if I'd like to hold him. Now, without giving too many details, I've had a real problem with this child's mother for many reasons over the years I've known her, and I've been especially upset over her pregnancy, due to things I won't mention here. I resisted at first, but then I caved. It was HEAVEN. He was warm, and sleepy, and soft and had that delicious baby smell. It also, surprisingly, helped me put my issues with his mother and some of her decisions to rest. It is not my place to judge her, or to resent what God has given her. He knows what He is doing, and who am I to say otherwise? I realized today, that I have a responsibility to love this woman and her child, and to look at their situation with compassion.
That said..... I. WANT. ONE. NOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In some ways it was difficult - I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes as I held him, but luckily, I was able to hold back. Mostly, though, it was a reinforcement of what we're in this for. It so easy after 30 months to forget that in the end, God willing, we get a BABY. I think intellectually, I still knew that, but actually holding one in my arms actually gave me the little "boost" I needed to dive into another month of trying. It helped to reinforce why we're putting ourselves through this, and why we CANNOT give up. For just a tiny second, the ache in my heart subsided, and I was at peace. It's been such a long time since I felt that way. And I am thankful for that one small moment.
I cannot imagine, that if holding someone else's child brought that much peace, how amazing it will be when my arms are finally wrapped around my own child. I think my heart may just burst that day. I know that every mother loves her child more than they ever thought possible, but I cannot help but think that after this journey, I may just be a bit more head over heels than most.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. - 1 Corinthians 13:7
I'd been avoiding it, but his mother came up to me at church today and asked if I'd like to hold him. Now, without giving too many details, I've had a real problem with this child's mother for many reasons over the years I've known her, and I've been especially upset over her pregnancy, due to things I won't mention here. I resisted at first, but then I caved. It was HEAVEN. He was warm, and sleepy, and soft and had that delicious baby smell. It also, surprisingly, helped me put my issues with his mother and some of her decisions to rest. It is not my place to judge her, or to resent what God has given her. He knows what He is doing, and who am I to say otherwise? I realized today, that I have a responsibility to love this woman and her child, and to look at their situation with compassion.
That said..... I. WANT. ONE. NOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In some ways it was difficult - I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes as I held him, but luckily, I was able to hold back. Mostly, though, it was a reinforcement of what we're in this for. It so easy after 30 months to forget that in the end, God willing, we get a BABY. I think intellectually, I still knew that, but actually holding one in my arms actually gave me the little "boost" I needed to dive into another month of trying. It helped to reinforce why we're putting ourselves through this, and why we CANNOT give up. For just a tiny second, the ache in my heart subsided, and I was at peace. It's been such a long time since I felt that way. And I am thankful for that one small moment.
I cannot imagine, that if holding someone else's child brought that much peace, how amazing it will be when my arms are finally wrapped around my own child. I think my heart may just burst that day. I know that every mother loves her child more than they ever thought possible, but I cannot help but think that after this journey, I may just be a bit more head over heels than most.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. - 1 Corinthians 13:7
Friday, July 20, 2007
On to cycle 30....
Got the test results - the confirmed what I already knew - this wasn't our cycle.
I need ice cream.....
I need ice cream.....
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Conflicted.....
Testing tomorrow. I dread it so much. I'm torn at the moment between moments of hopefulness and despair. I caved and took a HPT - it was negative. I don't expect happy news tomorrow from Dr. Bates, but then again, I keep telling myself this cycle isn't over until it's over.
Guess I'll know one way or the other tomorrow.
I'm at least prepared for the negative test result. At least we know the Femara works, so I have to remain optimistic going forward.... Dr. Bates still feels this treatment will do the trick.
I taught a lesson this week to my Acteens class about perspective, and how things we see as huge obstacles, God often sees as small issues, and that what seems a very long time to us, is actually quite short to Him. Somehow, that comforts me as I head back to Atlanta tomorrow for this blood test. Even if it is negative, we still have hope. Things could be MUCH worse. Much, much worse. Thankfully, Dr. Bates doesn't think we'll have to get super-invasive (never thought I'd call weekly blood tests, ultrasounds 2x a month, and reporting any and all news regarding my cycles "non-invasive", but when in "fertility land" it truly IS non invasive) and expects that this course of treatment will not only work for us, but he expects it to work in less than six months. Thankfully, we're not dealing with any male-factor issues that need to be addressed, no structural issues, and (knock on wood) no recurrent miscarriages. I just have lazy ovaries.
Yes, things could be MUCH worse, so I am choosing now to look on the bright side, to remain positive, and to continue hoping, even if things don't happen as quickly as I'd like.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. - Romans 12:12
Guess I'll know one way or the other tomorrow.
I'm at least prepared for the negative test result. At least we know the Femara works, so I have to remain optimistic going forward.... Dr. Bates still feels this treatment will do the trick.
I taught a lesson this week to my Acteens class about perspective, and how things we see as huge obstacles, God often sees as small issues, and that what seems a very long time to us, is actually quite short to Him. Somehow, that comforts me as I head back to Atlanta tomorrow for this blood test. Even if it is negative, we still have hope. Things could be MUCH worse. Much, much worse. Thankfully, Dr. Bates doesn't think we'll have to get super-invasive (never thought I'd call weekly blood tests, ultrasounds 2x a month, and reporting any and all news regarding my cycles "non-invasive", but when in "fertility land" it truly IS non invasive) and expects that this course of treatment will not only work for us, but he expects it to work in less than six months. Thankfully, we're not dealing with any male-factor issues that need to be addressed, no structural issues, and (knock on wood) no recurrent miscarriages. I just have lazy ovaries.
Yes, things could be MUCH worse, so I am choosing now to look on the bright side, to remain positive, and to continue hoping, even if things don't happen as quickly as I'd like.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. - Romans 12:12
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Oh, the horrors....
Infertility is really quite a humbling experience. I mean, it's bad enough that my body doesn't work like it's supposed to, and we've had to wait far longer than most couples to reach parenthood, not to mention the fact that it seems my doctor is now more familiar with our sex life than even my husband and I. I could go on and on....
But yesterday, it reached a whole new level - and it just struck me as funny. For those that know me - you know how easily I can be embarrassed. Well, humor is how I get through this - it may not come through in the post, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I promised myself when I started this blog that I would not hold back the details, so here it goes....
***Warning, TMI ahead - stop now if you are faint of heart or would rather not hear references to parts of the female anatomy****
Seriously.....
Ok, don't say I didn't warn you!
So, yesterday I had another EARLY appointment at my RE's office for yet ANOTHER blood test - hey, I should count my blessings, at least this one didn't include an ultrasound. I went in for them to check my progesterone (P4) level to confirm that the Femara they put me on did in fact work, and that I did ovulate. (Got at A in this department - I DID IT!!!!).
Yesterday afternoon, my nurse (Carla - the BEST nurse ever) called me to give me the results. I had stepped away from my cell phone for a quick meeting and missed her call, so she left everything on my voice mail. She said "I got your results back, and you did ovulate. So, since you mentioned spotting this morning, Dr. Bates wants you to start Progesterone supplements. I'll call the prescription in to your pharmacy and you need to pick it up tonight, you'll take it twice a day, in the morning and in the evening. You need to take it vaginally - the supplements look like peanut m&m's and you need to insert vaginally, as far as possible. Give me a call if you have any questions. You'll stay on this until your pregnancy test next Friday, and if positive you'll continue for 4 more weeks, if not, then you'll stop taking them and start your next cycle."
Ok, that was just about the oddest thing you'll ever hear on voice mail. I'm actually kind of glad she called when I couldn't take the call. In my office, people are in and out constantly - I couldn't imagine discussing this with her with people coming in and out.
Well, I leave to go home and stop by CVS on the way to pick up my "M&M pills". Of course, when I got there, it wasn't ready so I had to wait. I can see the pharmacists from where I sit while they're working and notice one of them call another over to ask her opinion on the prescription he was filling. They both discussed in low voices for a few minutes and kind of shrugged and went about their business. Turns out they were filling my prescription. So, they call my name that my prescription has been filled and I go up to the counter where the clerk is checking me out. I pay, and he says "as soon as the pharmacist comes over to talk with you, we can give you your prescription" - I've noticed lately that CVS is really cracking down on counseling when giving you a new prescription, and as many as I've had to fill lately, this is nothing new. So, I wait for him to come over and ask if I had any questions so he can give me my magical bottle of M&M's and I can be on my way. I've had this pharmacist fill my prescriptions before - he's super nice - a very grandfatherly type of guy. Well, he comes over, reads the prescription again, stutters a bit and then finally says "Can you read the directions on this and tell me if they make sense to YOU because they don't to me". So, I read, and the instructions say, "take vaginally twice a day as directed" I kind of look at him funny and say "Yeah, makes sense". Then, he says "Really? I asked everyone here and they'd never even HEARD of that, but as long as this is what your doctor told you, then ok."
I was so proud that I'm finally to the point that I don't even blush anymore. But that poor pharmacist - I bet his face glowed for the next hour, he was so embarrassed.
Kevin and I laughed all evening over this - it so nice that someone else got to be uncomfortable for once. :-)
But yesterday, it reached a whole new level - and it just struck me as funny. For those that know me - you know how easily I can be embarrassed. Well, humor is how I get through this - it may not come through in the post, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I promised myself when I started this blog that I would not hold back the details, so here it goes....
***Warning, TMI ahead - stop now if you are faint of heart or would rather not hear references to parts of the female anatomy****
Seriously.....
Ok, don't say I didn't warn you!
So, yesterday I had another EARLY appointment at my RE's office for yet ANOTHER blood test - hey, I should count my blessings, at least this one didn't include an ultrasound. I went in for them to check my progesterone (P4) level to confirm that the Femara they put me on did in fact work, and that I did ovulate. (Got at A in this department - I DID IT!!!!).
Yesterday afternoon, my nurse (Carla - the BEST nurse ever) called me to give me the results. I had stepped away from my cell phone for a quick meeting and missed her call, so she left everything on my voice mail. She said "I got your results back, and you did ovulate. So, since you mentioned spotting this morning, Dr. Bates wants you to start Progesterone supplements. I'll call the prescription in to your pharmacy and you need to pick it up tonight, you'll take it twice a day, in the morning and in the evening. You need to take it vaginally - the supplements look like peanut m&m's and you need to insert vaginally, as far as possible. Give me a call if you have any questions. You'll stay on this until your pregnancy test next Friday, and if positive you'll continue for 4 more weeks, if not, then you'll stop taking them and start your next cycle."
Ok, that was just about the oddest thing you'll ever hear on voice mail. I'm actually kind of glad she called when I couldn't take the call. In my office, people are in and out constantly - I couldn't imagine discussing this with her with people coming in and out.
Well, I leave to go home and stop by CVS on the way to pick up my "M&M pills". Of course, when I got there, it wasn't ready so I had to wait. I can see the pharmacists from where I sit while they're working and notice one of them call another over to ask her opinion on the prescription he was filling. They both discussed in low voices for a few minutes and kind of shrugged and went about their business. Turns out they were filling my prescription. So, they call my name that my prescription has been filled and I go up to the counter where the clerk is checking me out. I pay, and he says "as soon as the pharmacist comes over to talk with you, we can give you your prescription" - I've noticed lately that CVS is really cracking down on counseling when giving you a new prescription, and as many as I've had to fill lately, this is nothing new. So, I wait for him to come over and ask if I had any questions so he can give me my magical bottle of M&M's and I can be on my way. I've had this pharmacist fill my prescriptions before - he's super nice - a very grandfatherly type of guy. Well, he comes over, reads the prescription again, stutters a bit and then finally says "Can you read the directions on this and tell me if they make sense to YOU because they don't to me". So, I read, and the instructions say, "take vaginally twice a day as directed" I kind of look at him funny and say "Yeah, makes sense". Then, he says "Really? I asked everyone here and they'd never even HEARD of that, but as long as this is what your doctor told you, then ok."
I was so proud that I'm finally to the point that I don't even blush anymore. But that poor pharmacist - I bet his face glowed for the next hour, he was so embarrassed.
Kevin and I laughed all evening over this - it so nice that someone else got to be uncomfortable for once. :-)
Baby steps.....
Well, my Doctor confirmed ovulation yesterday, so that means that at least the Femara is working to make me ovulate. We'll still have to wait and see if this cycle was successful for another week or so, but I'm satisfied that at least we're making progress.....
So, even if we do hit that big 3-0, I'm ok with it - at least we're moving towards our goal. This is the first cycle in a LONG time that we've at least had reason to hope. As long as I'm ovulating, we'll try a few more cycles on our own before moving on to IUI.
So, even if we do hit that big 3-0, I'm ok with it - at least we're moving towards our goal. This is the first cycle in a LONG time that we've at least had reason to hope. As long as I'm ovulating, we'll try a few more cycles on our own before moving on to IUI.
Saturday, July 7, 2007
The Big 3-0....
I know what you're thinking....my birthday IS coming up....and it IS a big one. I always thought I'd dread turning 30. I don't feel 30....it seems like 21 was just last year. However, I don't dread it as much as I thought I would. You see, there is an even bigger anniversary coming....
30 cycles. T-H-I-R-T-Y. Three - zero. Had our first cycle worked (like we so naively thought it would) our first child would be almost two. We'd be working on our second by now. Hitting 30 cycles is bad enough, but it's scheduled to begin, you guessed it.....right around my thirtieth birthday. I always thought I'd be done having kids by the time I reached this milestone. Instead, we're still waiting to begin. By the time we get around to number two, I'll qualify as being of "advanced maternal age". How's that for depressing?
Hopefully, I'll never hit that big 3-0. I will gladly turn 30 years old with dignity if I can just skip the other 30. We started our first medicated cycle this month. We tried Femara (letrozole), which is actually a breast cancer drug, but has been shown to be beneficial for those who do not ovulate well. I'm a little concerned because I ovulated several days later than normal, but maybe that means it's working. My doctor doesn't seem concerned about that. They want me to come in at the end of next week for a hormone check and mentioned doing a pregnancy test the following week. (Can't believe I am writing that - after 29 cycles I've NEVER had a doctor want to do a pregnancy test.)
But still, I am hopeful. It's scary to get my hopes up, but I can't help it. I've really been struggling with this lately, but this week, I've really prayed a lot about it and it's really out of my hands. All I can do at this point is follow my doctor's orders and do my part and leave the rest in God's hands. I know deep down that He only wants the best for me and that Kevin and I are on this journey for a reason.
So....pass the cake with all the flaming candles on it and let's try not to set off the smoke detectors!
30 cycles. T-H-I-R-T-Y. Three - zero. Had our first cycle worked (like we so naively thought it would) our first child would be almost two. We'd be working on our second by now. Hitting 30 cycles is bad enough, but it's scheduled to begin, you guessed it.....right around my thirtieth birthday. I always thought I'd be done having kids by the time I reached this milestone. Instead, we're still waiting to begin. By the time we get around to number two, I'll qualify as being of "advanced maternal age". How's that for depressing?
Hopefully, I'll never hit that big 3-0. I will gladly turn 30 years old with dignity if I can just skip the other 30. We started our first medicated cycle this month. We tried Femara (letrozole), which is actually a breast cancer drug, but has been shown to be beneficial for those who do not ovulate well. I'm a little concerned because I ovulated several days later than normal, but maybe that means it's working. My doctor doesn't seem concerned about that. They want me to come in at the end of next week for a hormone check and mentioned doing a pregnancy test the following week. (Can't believe I am writing that - after 29 cycles I've NEVER had a doctor want to do a pregnancy test.)
But still, I am hopeful. It's scary to get my hopes up, but I can't help it. I've really been struggling with this lately, but this week, I've really prayed a lot about it and it's really out of my hands. All I can do at this point is follow my doctor's orders and do my part and leave the rest in God's hands. I know deep down that He only wants the best for me and that Kevin and I are on this journey for a reason.
So....pass the cake with all the flaming candles on it and let's try not to set off the smoke detectors!
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