Lonely....

It's not fair....It shouldn't bother me so much.

I knew it was coming.....

Ok, so I'm bitter......terribly, terribly bitter.

Heard another birth announcement today. This one was at church. In the middle of the class I was teaching, and it was incredibly difficult to hear. I've known it was coming. I knew it was getting close.... but it still felt like someone hit me in the stomach.

I'm wallowing tonight. I'm so impatient. I've tried so hard to see the good through this wait, and my circumstances. But when something like this happens, it just makes me mad. Mad at myself - is it something I'm doing to make this take longer? Mad at my doctors - I've been to a few now...what if the first one had diagnosed me correctly 3 years ago? Would we even still be here? Mad at my finances....we're getting to the point that if this doesn't work soon, we'll be forced to decide between adoption and the hope of having a biological child. When you're talking $15 - $20 thousand dollars for one or the other (these are REAL numbers), most people can't do both.

Mostly, though, I'm lonely. Terribly so. I've never felt so alone in my life and I HATE it. No one seems to understand. Kevin tries, but he freely admits he just can't understand it. Some of my family tries, but they've never been through it. No one at church seems to get it - they (like some of my family) just ignore the elephant in the room. I long so much for someone who GETS IT. Who will let me talk about it without making me feel like I'm whining. Who won't try to "fix it" but will just listen and commiserate. Who won't tell me they're "sure it'll work soon". No one knows that.....no one can "fix it"....I just need someone who gets it and isn't uncomfortable about it and itching to change the subject.

I read a quote the other day that says "the problem with infertility is that I am mourning children that do not exist and I'm the only one who misses them." That just about sums it up. I'm continually mourning someone who doesn't exist....never has and may not ever. People don't seem to understand that. They can't understand how I can feel such an attachment and such a loss from something that doesn't exist, but I do. When someone loses a loved one, you often hear that they want to talk about that person...to remember them. Well, I do too....unfortunately it's not something most people can understand, and because they have never known this person (since they don't actually exist), they can't commiserate with me.

All that said...I heard this song by Ginny Owens on the way home from church tonight. While it has always been a song that speaks to me.....I heard it through my "infertility filter" tonight, and it took on a whole new meaning.....

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise you're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world thats not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I cant hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to