Monday, July 30, 2007

Insurance rant....

As many of you already know, very few states mandate that insurance companies offer coverage for infertility treatment, which is just ridiculous. Ours is one of them.

That makes me mad enough, but it just KILLS me that the insurance company will pay to DIAGNOSE the problem, but not to treat it. However, they WILL pay for Viagara, surgical sterilization, hormonal birth control and countless other things. How in the HELL do they justify that?!?! Our infertility is NOT a choice we made - it is not a lifestyle choice - there is something MEDICALLY wrong with me and they refuse to cover it, but will happily cover other things that are OPTIONAL like hormonal birth control.

**Disclaimer: I am not saying they shouldn't cover the items mentioned above, simply pointing out the ridiculously selective criteria for covering them. ***

Yes, yes, I know they cover it because it's likely MUCH cheaper to pay for a pack of birth control pills, than to pay for a hospital stay for a birth. But, there are other options for birth control - that are both inexpensive, and readily accessible to EVERYONE.

But, for my husband and I, who have dreamed of kids since before we were married and have built our lives upon the desire for children, who did everything the way we were supposed to, went to college, got decent jobs, work hard, have a home (which is WAY bigger than we need if we can't have children) - the insurance companies have decided they have no obligation to fix something that is wrong. Not just something we don't like, but something that is MEDICALLY WRONG.

They'd never tell a cancer patient "we'll pay to find out what is wrong with you, but once we find it, you're on your own". Or a person with a broken leg "we'll take the damaged leg off, but we can't pay to have the bone set and a cast until it heals".

Yet they have told me and millions of other couples out there "sorry - you're on your own". They basically said, we'll let you find out what's wrong, so you can see how easily it could be fixed, but we won't help you get there. Actually, it's worse than that. They actually say, we'll pay to diagnose until you take that first step in actually treating. Then, we won't even pay for further diagnosis. So, if what my doctor thinks is wrong (I believe he is correct, so hopefully this never comes up) isn't, we'll likely have a fight on our hands to get them to cover further testing to diagnose a potentially overlooked condition.

When I sit down and think of how much we pay for insurance, and how it pays for plenty of "unnecessary" treatments for others, but won't even give us SOMETHING toward fixing something that has already been diagnosed, I just get sick to my stomach.

I just today have read stories of a couple who have to take 2nd mortgages on their homes to pay for treatment, another couple who have exhausted all of their options for the money to continue and now have to walk away after getting SO close to realizing their dreams, and another couple who need further testing, but the insurance company will not pay because she's already been through a medicated cycle. It's so wrong....

Insurance companies suck too.....

Saturday, July 28, 2007

I'm just a blogging machine tonight....

I know, I've posted a lot, but I saw this posted on The Nest earlier by "lovemy2boys" and it was just so good, I had to copy and post it. (I edited slightly to fit my situation, but I have to give her the credit).

The perfect comeback when someone tells those of us who are IF to "just relax":


I should say:

You know, I would try not to think about it, but - once I get over the utter devastation of actually getting my period, I have to call my RE to let him know that I started to see what the plan of action is.

It's usually starting some random medication on the third day of my cycle, so I have to count, "day one, day two, day three," okay - time to go in for a baseline u/s and start taking my meds for five days. After the fifth day, I start using my fertility monitor on a daily basis, so I can know when I get a peak reading. On or around the 13th day of my cycle, I go in for another ultrasound to check my follicles to make sure everything is developing okay. Oh yeah, I almost forgot - around day 12 or so, my husband and I have to be sure have sex whether we're in the mood or not - romantic, huh? Yes, it can become a chore, but we're paying so much for this cycle, we can't be slackers.

If I haven't gotten a peak reading within the few days my doctor said I should ovulate based on my last ultrasound, it's back to the doctor I go so he can take another peek and see what's going on - it's possible I'm just going to ovulate a little later than normal, or if I'm REALLY lucky, I get to get a shot that will force my body to do so. That's fun. Then, for 36 - 48 hours after the trigger, we have to have sex again. Then every day after that is filled with anxiety and hope that "it finally worked this time." So - as you can see, I don't quite have the luxury of "not thinking about it all the time."

PRICELESS.....though I don't know that I'd have the nerve to actually say it, it's nice to have it in the back of my mind.

A special kind of idiot....

I've always heard the expression that you have to do xxxx to be xxxx, but any idiot can become a parent, when discussing how silly it is to have to jump through hoops for some things and there are no real requirements for becoming a parent. I've even used it a few times before we experienced infertility.

I'm watching an episode of "Bringing Home Baby" that I DVR'ed and this couple takes the cake.
She just said "In the last two weeks, we've had a new car, our dogs had 8 puppies, we moved to a new house, we've gotten a lot of new furniture, and we have a new baby." Good for them, right?

WRONG....

1. Said new car is a freaking Cadillac Escalade - LOADED - leather seats, DVD players in the head rests, the works. Which, I would normally say to each his own, but NOT in light of point #2.

2. The idiots didn't buy a car seat for their new BABY, because "we knew if you didn't have one, the hospital would GIVE us one, and we figured it would be good enough". Seriously. This pathetic little car seat looks like the one I got for Christmas when I was about 7 for my freaking Cabbage Patch Kids. Seriously.

3. This isn't some complicated car seat with the latch and the base and all that stuff - it's ONE piece with a hole to thread the seatbelt through and this idiot can't figure out how to do it. He has to go BACK into the hospital to get a NURSE (who I'm certain has nothing better to do) to come install the damn thing.

4. He doesn't "do" diapers. PUH-LEASE..... I'm certain it's not anyone's favorite thing, but to just say "Sorry, babe, I don't 'do' diapers"?!?!

5. While the wife is downstairs entertaining all the family that come over, her HUSBAND is upstairs curled up in the bed with the new baby sleeping. Now, while I'm certain the first few days as a new dad are exhausting, I would certainly think he'd be watching out a bit more for his wife. Oh, excuse me - fiance.

6. Day 1 home, his fiance, has to explain to him WHY they can't just hop in the car at midnight anymore and go grab something to eat. Seriously?!? He then proceeds to try to guilt her into going and ASKS THE BABY if she wants to go get something to eat. At midnight. The first day home. With a new baby and a fiance who can barely stand up straight.

7. Next, he proceeds to take this baby who was just fed and is ready to sleep holds her up to a camera that appears to be mounted on the ceiling and proceeds to poke at her and try to move her mouth to make her look like she's talking. (Still on day 1 at home here, people!)

8. Day 2, he decides it's time to take the baby out for a walk. It's obviously hot. It's summer, her family is coming over to "hang out by the pool". He ignores what she says, tells her there's shade and no reason the baby can't hang out at the pool. When the mother says again, "I don't want her out on such a hot day", he says, I kid you not, "well, let's just let her [baby] decide".

This poor, poor child.

And yet, THESE people can have a baby. Probably on their first try or by accident. How does this happen???

Excuse me while my head explodes.

Crappy Mood....

I swear, if I didn't know better, I'd say I was PMS-ing. But, I'm not.

Not sure what to attribute my crappy mood to - missing Kevin (he's away working), boredom, IF in general, the drugs?

I'm on Femara, which isn't SUPPOSED to have the mood swings often associated with Clomid, but it's odd that my mood has taken a steep nose dive right when I started taking it this month, so I'm guessing that is what it is. I didn't notice this last month, but who knows.

Yet another fun effect of IF.

IF Sucks.......

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Sunrise

I heard this song today, and it was SOOO good. It's called Sunrise by Nichole Nordeman, and I must say that I couldn't help but think of our struggle with IF while listening. I think it's my new favorite song!!!

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon
You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

There’s a moment when
Faith caves in
There’s a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon
You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon
You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You are sunrise

New Cycle is a GO!!!

Whew! Dr. Bates gave me a bit of a scare today. I went in for my CD3 bloodwork and scans, and everything seemed normal until he looked at my right ovary and found a 17mm cyst.

Now, anyone who has been through IF knows that cysts are bad. Those pesky little things have the ability to make you sit on the sidelines waiting for them to go away. He warned me that if my bloodwork came back showing the cyst was producing hormones, that on the pill I'd go until it went away. I was panicked - I've come this far and now I might have to sit a month (or more) out?!?!

Well, this afternoon, my nurse called and said my bloodwork was just fine and Dr. Bates thinks the cyst is just from where I ovulated before and it should resolve itself, so I was given the go ahead to start my Femara again, and have an appointment to check what I hope will be a few BIG BEAUTIFUL follicles next Friday.

Keep all your fingers and toes crossed!!!!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Held a baby today.....

I held a baby today. It was WONDERFUL. I think I actually might have heard the angels singing in the background. Ok, maybe that's going a little too far....

I'd been avoiding it, but his mother came up to me at church today and asked if I'd like to hold him. Now, without giving too many details, I've had a real problem with this child's mother for many reasons over the years I've known her, and I've been especially upset over her pregnancy, due to things I won't mention here. I resisted at first, but then I caved. It was HEAVEN. He was warm, and sleepy, and soft and had that delicious baby smell. It also, surprisingly, helped me put my issues with his mother and some of her decisions to rest. It is not my place to judge her, or to resent what God has given her. He knows what He is doing, and who am I to say otherwise? I realized today, that I have a responsibility to love this woman and her child, and to look at their situation with compassion.

That said..... I. WANT. ONE. NOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In some ways it was difficult - I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes as I held him, but luckily, I was able to hold back. Mostly, though, it was a reinforcement of what we're in this for. It so easy after 30 months to forget that in the end, God willing, we get a BABY. I think intellectually, I still knew that, but actually holding one in my arms actually gave me the little "boost" I needed to dive into another month of trying. It helped to reinforce why we're putting ourselves through this, and why we CANNOT give up. For just a tiny second, the ache in my heart subsided, and I was at peace. It's been such a long time since I felt that way. And I am thankful for that one small moment.

I cannot imagine, that if holding someone else's child brought that much peace, how amazing it will be when my arms are finally wrapped around my own child. I think my heart may just burst that day. I know that every mother loves her child more than they ever thought possible, but I cannot help but think that after this journey, I may just be a bit more head over heels than most.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. - 1 Corinthians 13:7

Friday, July 20, 2007

On to cycle 30....

Got the test results - the confirmed what I already knew - this wasn't our cycle.

I need ice cream.....

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Conflicted.....

Testing tomorrow. I dread it so much. I'm torn at the moment between moments of hopefulness and despair. I caved and took a HPT - it was negative. I don't expect happy news tomorrow from Dr. Bates, but then again, I keep telling myself this cycle isn't over until it's over.

Guess I'll know one way or the other tomorrow.

I'm at least prepared for the negative test result. At least we know the Femara works, so I have to remain optimistic going forward.... Dr. Bates still feels this treatment will do the trick.

I taught a lesson this week to my Acteens class about perspective, and how things we see as huge obstacles, God often sees as small issues, and that what seems a very long time to us, is actually quite short to Him. Somehow, that comforts me as I head back to Atlanta tomorrow for this blood test. Even if it is negative, we still have hope. Things could be MUCH worse. Much, much worse. Thankfully, Dr. Bates doesn't think we'll have to get super-invasive (never thought I'd call weekly blood tests, ultrasounds 2x a month, and reporting any and all news regarding my cycles "non-invasive", but when in "fertility land" it truly IS non invasive) and expects that this course of treatment will not only work for us, but he expects it to work in less than six months. Thankfully, we're not dealing with any male-factor issues that need to be addressed, no structural issues, and (knock on wood) no recurrent miscarriages. I just have lazy ovaries.

Yes, things could be MUCH worse, so I am choosing now to look on the bright side, to remain positive, and to continue hoping, even if things don't happen as quickly as I'd like.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. - Romans 12:12

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Oh, the horrors....

Infertility is really quite a humbling experience. I mean, it's bad enough that my body doesn't work like it's supposed to, and we've had to wait far longer than most couples to reach parenthood, not to mention the fact that it seems my doctor is now more familiar with our sex life than even my husband and I. I could go on and on....

But yesterday, it reached a whole new level - and it just struck me as funny. For those that know me - you know how easily I can be embarrassed. Well, humor is how I get through this - it may not come through in the post, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I promised myself when I started this blog that I would not hold back the details, so here it goes....

***Warning, TMI ahead - stop now if you are faint of heart or would rather not hear references to parts of the female anatomy****





Seriously.....





Ok, don't say I didn't warn you!





So, yesterday I had another EARLY appointment at my RE's office for yet ANOTHER blood test - hey, I should count my blessings, at least this one didn't include an ultrasound. I went in for them to check my progesterone (P4) level to confirm that the Femara they put me on did in fact work, and that I did ovulate. (Got at A in this department - I DID IT!!!!).

Yesterday afternoon, my nurse (Carla - the BEST nurse ever) called me to give me the results. I had stepped away from my cell phone for a quick meeting and missed her call, so she left everything on my voice mail. She said "I got your results back, and you did ovulate. So, since you mentioned spotting this morning, Dr. Bates wants you to start Progesterone supplements. I'll call the prescription in to your pharmacy and you need to pick it up tonight, you'll take it twice a day, in the morning and in the evening. You need to take it vaginally - the supplements look like peanut m&m's and you need to insert vaginally, as far as possible. Give me a call if you have any questions. You'll stay on this until your pregnancy test next Friday, and if positive you'll continue for 4 more weeks, if not, then you'll stop taking them and start your next cycle."

Ok, that was just about the oddest thing you'll ever hear on voice mail. I'm actually kind of glad she called when I couldn't take the call. In my office, people are in and out constantly - I couldn't imagine discussing this with her with people coming in and out.

Well, I leave to go home and stop by CVS on the way to pick up my "M&M pills". Of course, when I got there, it wasn't ready so I had to wait. I can see the pharmacists from where I sit while they're working and notice one of them call another over to ask her opinion on the prescription he was filling. They both discussed in low voices for a few minutes and kind of shrugged and went about their business. Turns out they were filling my prescription. So, they call my name that my prescription has been filled and I go up to the counter where the clerk is checking me out. I pay, and he says "as soon as the pharmacist comes over to talk with you, we can give you your prescription" - I've noticed lately that CVS is really cracking down on counseling when giving you a new prescription, and as many as I've had to fill lately, this is nothing new. So, I wait for him to come over and ask if I had any questions so he can give me my magical bottle of M&M's and I can be on my way. I've had this pharmacist fill my prescriptions before - he's super nice - a very grandfatherly type of guy. Well, he comes over, reads the prescription again, stutters a bit and then finally says "Can you read the directions on this and tell me if they make sense to YOU because they don't to me". So, I read, and the instructions say, "take vaginally twice a day as directed" I kind of look at him funny and say "Yeah, makes sense". Then, he says "Really? I asked everyone here and they'd never even HEARD of that, but as long as this is what your doctor told you, then ok."

I was so proud that I'm finally to the point that I don't even blush anymore. But that poor pharmacist - I bet his face glowed for the next hour, he was so embarrassed.

Kevin and I laughed all evening over this - it so nice that someone else got to be uncomfortable for once. :-)

Baby steps.....

Well, my Doctor confirmed ovulation yesterday, so that means that at least the Femara is working to make me ovulate. We'll still have to wait and see if this cycle was successful for another week or so, but I'm satisfied that at least we're making progress.....

So, even if we do hit that big 3-0, I'm ok with it - at least we're moving towards our goal. This is the first cycle in a LONG time that we've at least had reason to hope. As long as I'm ovulating, we'll try a few more cycles on our own before moving on to IUI.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

The Big 3-0....

I know what you're thinking....my birthday IS coming up....and it IS a big one. I always thought I'd dread turning 30. I don't feel 30....it seems like 21 was just last year. However, I don't dread it as much as I thought I would. You see, there is an even bigger anniversary coming....

30 cycles. T-H-I-R-T-Y. Three - zero. Had our first cycle worked (like we so naively thought it would) our first child would be almost two. We'd be working on our second by now. Hitting 30 cycles is bad enough, but it's scheduled to begin, you guessed it.....right around my thirtieth birthday. I always thought I'd be done having kids by the time I reached this milestone. Instead, we're still waiting to begin. By the time we get around to number two, I'll qualify as being of "advanced maternal age". How's that for depressing?

Hopefully, I'll never hit that big 3-0. I will gladly turn 30 years old with dignity if I can just skip the other 30. We started our first medicated cycle this month. We tried Femara (letrozole), which is actually a breast cancer drug, but has been shown to be beneficial for those who do not ovulate well. I'm a little concerned because I ovulated several days later than normal, but maybe that means it's working. My doctor doesn't seem concerned about that. They want me to come in at the end of next week for a hormone check and mentioned doing a pregnancy test the following week. (Can't believe I am writing that - after 29 cycles I've NEVER had a doctor want to do a pregnancy test.)

But still, I am hopeful. It's scary to get my hopes up, but I can't help it. I've really been struggling with this lately, but this week, I've really prayed a lot about it and it's really out of my hands. All I can do at this point is follow my doctor's orders and do my part and leave the rest in God's hands. I know deep down that He only wants the best for me and that Kevin and I are on this journey for a reason.

So....pass the cake with all the flaming candles on it and let's try not to set off the smoke detectors!