I held a baby today. It was WONDERFUL. I think I actually might have heard the angels singing in the background. Ok, maybe that's going a little too far....
I'd been avoiding it, but his mother came up to me at church today and asked if I'd like to hold him. Now, without giving too many details, I've had a real problem with this child's mother for many reasons over the years I've known her, and I've been especially upset over her pregnancy, due to things I won't mention here. I resisted at first, but then I caved. It was HEAVEN. He was warm, and sleepy, and soft and had that delicious baby smell. It also, surprisingly, helped me put my issues with his mother and some of her decisions to rest. It is not my place to judge her, or to resent what God has given her. He knows what He is doing, and who am I to say otherwise? I realized today, that I have a responsibility to love this woman and her child, and to look at their situation with compassion.
That said..... I. WANT. ONE. NOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In some ways it was difficult - I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes as I held him, but luckily, I was able to hold back. Mostly, though, it was a reinforcement of what we're in this for. It so easy after 30 months to forget that in the end, God willing, we get a BABY. I think intellectually, I still knew that, but actually holding one in my arms actually gave me the little "boost" I needed to dive into another month of trying. It helped to reinforce why we're putting ourselves through this, and why we CANNOT give up. For just a tiny second, the ache in my heart subsided, and I was at peace. It's been such a long time since I felt that way. And I am thankful for that one small moment.
I cannot imagine, that if holding someone else's child brought that much peace, how amazing it will be when my arms are finally wrapped around my own child. I think my heart may just burst that day. I know that every mother loves her child more than they ever thought possible, but I cannot help but think that after this journey, I may just be a bit more head over heels than most.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. - 1 Corinthians 13:7
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Leesa - I saw your post on the TTTC board on the nest. It's so hard dealing with IF. It's especially hard when those around you get pregnant and you're not able to. My husband and I have been trying for 14 cycles. We're doing one more IUI this month, and then probably on to something new for the followng month. It's very hard to see my friends with their kids. While I'm thrilled for them and love the children so much, part of me is still jealous and sad that we don't have a baby yet. I wish you and your husband lots of luck with everything.
Wendy
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